Is It Wrong That I Asked My Boyfriend For An Open Relationship

The Illusion of Perfect Love

My 36-year-old supervisor groomed me since I was 17 and secretly declined my full ride scholarship to keep me at his company. So I asked for an open relationship.

That was two years ago. He still texts happy birthday from burner phones while working from a WeWork after losing his 15-year career to seven women’s testimonies.

First off, I need to say our age difference isn’t the problem here. My boyfriend has been the most amazing part of my grown-up life because he’s older, not even though he is.

For the five years we’ve been dating, I’ve changed and grown so much as a person. Mostly because of his kind love and huge amount of help and grown-up way of thinking that helped me figure out how to be an adult.

None of my friends in long-term relationships have anything like what my boyfriend and I have, and they all say they wish they did. Also, he’s more attractive and in better shape than all their boyfriends.

So, if your first reaction to this situation is that some dirty old man is taking advantage of a young, naive girl, then you’re wrong. Anyways, he is an administrative supervisor at my company.

He trained me my first two weeks on the job when I first got hired, and we hit it off immediately because we have a lot of things in common. Nothing happened then, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.

So, after about a month, I stopped by his office after work and asked him out for coffee. Six months later, I moved in with him.

That first year was the best time I’ve ever had in a relationship. We traveled, ate out, went to shows and movies; he taught me so much about life.

He would really engage with me and listen to what I had to say. He also wasn’t afraid to ask me those really tough questions that made me look at situations from another perspective.

He taught me how to stand up for myself and conflict resolution. The more time we spent together, the more I loved him.

Loneliness and the Open Relationship

Then COVID happened. My boyfriend is not perfect; one major problem is he is a micromanager when it comes to work and a workaholic.

As soon as lockdown started, he started working non-stop. Sometimes he would work 14 to 16 hours a day.

From the end of April to the second week in June, he worked 36 days straight. He would come home, kiss me, work out, shower, and go to bed just to get up the next morning and do it all over again.

No one asks him to work like that; he just does. He says, “I have to be an advocate for our team and make sure they’re in good hands.”

Due to his work ethic, I got really lonely during this time. I talked to him about it and he cut back some of his work.

He even started doing silly things like ordering cheesy decorations online. Then he would decorate our dining room like a Chinese restaurant and order takeout from our favorite Chinese place so it would feel like we went out.

It was fun and nice, but I was still lonely. Around this time, an old friend from high school contacted me through Facebook.

We started talking first on iMessage, then we started texting. He was really there for me and showed me a lot of attention.

After a while, he asked if I wanted to meet up for drinks. I said yes since my boyfriend wasn’t home.

I ended up drinking more than I usually do. Before I knew it, we were kissing.

I’m not going to lie; it felt really good. I did allow it to go too far, but I only gave him brain and no sex was had.

I left and went home. I felt awful, not because I did it, but because I did it behind my boyfriend’s back.

The next day, I asked my boyfriend if we could talk. I started out by telling him how lonely I’ve felt for these past few months and how I wanted to ask his thoughts on an open relationship.

He was actually really receptive. He sat down with me and asked several questions about our relationship and how strong did I think it was.

He listened as I explained that I loved him but needed attention that he can’t provide right now. I wanted him, but I didn’t feel like my needs were being met, and this would be an easy and safe way for me to get that attention I’ve been missing.

He asked what brought this on, and I explained about my friend and how I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him, but I would like to go out with him just for some distraction from everything going on.

I then also took the time to inform him that this would be a one-sided open relationship. I was not comfortable sharing him with any other woman.

However, I explained to him how this is completely different with me. I don’t work nearly as much as he does; I am alone a lot more and need the connection from someone else way more than he does since he works all the time.

The Crumbling Facade

He has no time to even look for partners. After I said all of this, he sat there for several minutes, and that’s when I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes.

It wasn’t until that moment I realized how selfish I had been. It was like someone poured ice water over me; I had not once thought about him in this entire situation.

But before I could say a word, he said, “You need to leave.”

I tried to talk more, but he said he was not in a place emotionally to communicate with me effectively and that I needed to give him space.

I just broke down crying. I had messed it all up and hadn’t even realized it until that moment.

He left after that and asked me to leave before he got back. About two hours later, I got a text from him saying that we need some time apart and he didn’t feel like we needed to be in a relationship right now.

That was two days ago. I’m staying at my parents’ house now, completely devastated and unable to function normally.

I’ve been going through every text message we ever sent looking for signs of where I went wrong. My mom keeps bringing me tea that goes cold while I stare at my phone.

She knocked on my door this morning and found me on the floor surrounded by printed screenshots of our conversations from the past 5 years.

I’d highlighted every sweet thing Derrick ever said to me in pink and every time he mentioned work in yellow. The yellow sections took up most of the pages.

My dad walked in while I was taping them to my bedroom wall in chronological order. He stood there watching me arrange five years of messages like some detective trying to solve a case.

When I turned around, his face had this expression I couldn’t read. He picked up one of the papers from 2019 where Derrick was explaining why I shouldn’t apply for that study abroad program.

“You’re too important to the team here,” Derrick had written. “Besides, those programs are overrated. Everything you need to learn, I can teach you better.”

I snatched the paper back and told my dad he wouldn’t understand. He sat on my bed and asked me to explain it to him, so I started from the beginning.

I told him how Derrick saw potential in me when I was just a scared 17-year-old intern who didn’t even know how to use the copy machine properly. My dad’s jaw tightened when I mentioned 17, but I kept going.

I told him about all the times Derrick stayed late to help me with projects and how he never made me feel stupid for asking questions. I mentioned how he bought me my first business suit because he said I deserved to look as professional as I was becoming.

My phone buzzed with a text from my manager asking why I hadn’t logged into the system yet. That’s when I realized Derrick must have already talked to HR because my remote access wasn’t working.

I tried calling the office, but the receptionist said I’d been transferred to the warehouse location across town, effective immediately. My hands shook as I hung up.

The warehouse was where they sent people they wanted to quit. There were no windows, no advancement opportunities, just scanning boxes all day.

I drove to Derrick’s apartment without telling my parents. His car was in the parking lot, so I knew he was home.

I still had my key, but when I tried to use it, the lock had already been changed. I knocked for 20 minutes calling his name, explaining through the door that I just needed to get my things.

Mrs. Chow from next door opened her door and told me Derrick had asked her to call the police if I showed up. She looked at me with pity as she held her phone waiting to see what I would do.