A Simple Game Ended Up Saving My Daughter’s Life

In the meantime, Iris started therapy twice a week with a counselor who specialized in domestic violence survivors. She was diagnosed with PTSD and put on medication for the panic attacks that had started after that night.

She’d wake up screaming from nightmares where Cody was chasing her or hurting her. She couldn’t be in enclosed spaces without panicking.

She stopped eating and lost 15 pounds in a month. Watching her struggle was almost harder than the night I’d found her.

My ex-wife and I had several difficult conversations about how we’d missed the signs. She admitted she’d wanted to believe Iris was in a normal teenage relationship because acknowledging the red flags would have meant admitting she’d failed to protect our daughter.

She’d convinced herself that the bruises Iris explained away as soccer injuries were actually from soccer, that the weight loss was just teen diet culture, and that the isolation from friends was normal relationship behavior. She’d seen what she wanted to see instead of what was actually there.

We started family therapy together to work through the guilt and figure out how to better support Iris. The therapist explained that abusers are often very skilled at appearing normal to parents and authority figures while terrorizing their victims in private.

It’s common for families to miss warning signs because the abuse is carefully hidden. It helped a little, but I still felt like I’d failed Iris by not seeing what was happening sooner.

Six months after that night, Cody took a plea deal rather than face trial. He pleaded guilty to aggravated assault and battery in exchange for the other charges being dropped.

He was sentenced to three years in juvenile detention followed by two years of supervised probation. He’d have to complete anger management and domestic violence prevention programs.

There would be a permanent restraining order keeping him away from Iris. It wasn’t as much time as I wanted him to serve, but the prosecutor explained that getting a longer sentence would have required putting Iris through a full trial.

She’d be cross-examined and retraumatized. She said:

“This was the best outcome we could realistically hope for.”

Iris sobbed with relief when the judge announced the sentence like she’d been holding her breath for months, waiting to hear that he’d actually face consequences. At sentencing, Cody’s lawyer tried to paint him as a troubled kid who’d made mistakes.

But the judge wasn’t having it. She looked at Cody and told him directly that what he’d done was domestic violence, that he’d systematically terrorized a young girl and that he was lucky to be in juvenile court instead of being tried as an adult.

Iris is 17 now, three years after that night. She still goes to therapy every week and probably will for years.

She’s wary around boys her age and hasn’t dated anyone since. She still has panic attacks sometimes triggered by things that remind her of Cody, like a certain cologne or aggressive behavior in movies.

But she’s healing slowly. She rejoined her soccer team and reconnected with friends she’d lost.

She’s applying to colleges and talking about studying psychology to help other abuse survivors. She started a support group at her school for teen relationship violence, sharing her story to help other kids recognize warning signs.

She’s turned her trauma into advocacy, which her therapist says is a healthy way to reclaim power. And we still use the sunshine system, but now we’ve expanded it and made it more sophisticated.

Red balloons still means danger. We’ve added new phrases for specific situations.

Thinking about summer camp means I’m being followed. The garden needs watering means I’m in physical danger.

Looking at old photos means I need you right now but can’t explain why. Iris made me promise to teach the system to any future romantic partners I have seriously dated so they’d have a way to communicate if they ever felt unsafe.

She wants it to be something multiple people in her life know, not just me. She taught it to her two closest friends as well and they practiced it until it became second nature.

They’ve already used it twice in situations that weren’t emergencies but could have become dangerous. Once when a guy at a party wouldn’t take no for an answer and once when a friend’s ex started showing stalker behavior.

The code gave them a way to signal for help without escalating situations publicly. Iris also started teaching younger kids about creating their own family codes as a safety tool.

She volunteers at a youth center and runs workshops about personal safety, including communication strategies for when you can’t speak freely. She emphasizes that these codes should be taught and practiced regularly so they become automatic in crisis situations.

The kids love it because it feels like a game, but Iris makes sure they understand it’s a serious tool that could save their lives someday.