For Years, My Parents Made Excuses For Excluding Me From Family Trips..

Peaceful Waters

That weekend David calls and asks if I want to go fishing with him on Saturday morning. He says he usually goes alone but thought I might like to come along.

I’ve never gone fishing before but I say yes immediately. I meet David at the lake at 5:00 a.m.

It’s cold and foggy and I’m wearing clothes Deborah lent me because I don’t own anything appropriate for fishing. David hands me a thermos of coffee and doesn’t make fun of my borrowed gear as we load the boat and head out on the water.

Something about the invitation feels important. It’s as if he’s showing me that I’m now a part of his regular life, not just the big vacation moments.

The lake is quiet except for the sound of the motor and a few birds calling to each other. David turns off the engine and we drift for a while before he starts setting up the fishing rods.

He shows me how to cast, his hands guiding mine through the motion. He’s patient when I mess up and tangle the line.

He just untangles it and tells me to try again. We sit in comfortable silence for a long time, just the sound of water lapping against the boat.

Then David starts telling me stories about when Deborah and my father were kids. He tells how they used to build forts in the woods behind their house.

He tells how Deborah always let my father be the leader even though she was older. They used to go on summer trips to their grandparents’ farm and my father would get jealous when their parents praised Deborah for being responsible.

According to David my father was always competing with Deborah trying to prove he was just as good if not better. He claims that their parents favored Deborah because she was calmer and more helpful and my father never really got over that.

David looks at me and suggests that maybe my parents excluded me because I reminded them of Deborah. Or because they saw how much Deborah loved me and it triggered something in my father.

Emily looks exactly like my mother with the same blonde hair and sharp features. Ryan acts like my father, competitive and always needing to be the center of attention.

But everyone has always told me that I am like Deborah: calm, thoughtful, and good at listening. Perhaps that is why they pushed me away.

I sit with that realization while David reels in a fish. He doesn’t push me to talk about it.

Instead, he keeps fishing and telling stories. We stay out on the lake until noon and I catch two fish and David catches five.

On the way back he says we should do it again next month. When Thanksgiving arrives I spend it at Deborah’s house.

Virginia, her husband, and their children arrive around noon with three pies and a huge bowl of mashed potatoes. Deborah starts a new tradition in which we go around the table and everyone says what they’re grateful for.

When it’s my turn I say I’m grateful for family who chooses to attend. Lily immediately adds that she’s grateful I’m now her sister.

Deborah starts crying happy tears right into her mashed potatoes and has to excuse herself to get tissues. David squeezes my hand under the table.

Virginia’s kids talk about being grateful for video games and pie and everyone laughs. The entire day feels easy and natural.

No one is walking on eggshells or worrying about being forgotten. I’m not anxiously checking my phone waiting for a text that never comes.

I’m just here fully present with people who actually want me around. Later that evening when I’m home Virginia texts me a screenshot.

My mother sent a group text to the extended family discussing how difficult the holiday is when family members abandon their roots and forget where they came from. The message is clearly about me without mention.

Virginia says she wanted me to see it but I shouldn’t let it ruin my day. When I read it I’m not even angry.

I just feel sorry for my mother who spent Thanksgiving crafting guilt trip messages instead of enjoying her family. Several relatives respond to my mother’s text which Virginia also screenshots.

My dad’s cousin says she’s seen how I’ve been treated over the years and thinks my mom needs to look in the mirror. David’s brother mentions that he noticed I was never invited to family trips and always wondered why.

Another cousin points out that Deborah’s family seems pretty happy to include me in everything. My mom doesn’t respond to any of them.

Virginia texts me a few days later: “My mom has stopped posting on social media completely.”

She learned from another relative that my mother is angry because no one is taking her side. Apparently she expected everyone to agree that I am ungrateful and difficult.

Instead people are asking her difficult questions about why she alienated me for a decade. The first week of December my phone rings and it’s Ryan.

For a brief moment I wondered whether he was phoning to apologize to finally accept what occurred. Instead he wonders whether I’m really not going to Christmas this year.

“Mom is upset so can I just pretend everything is fine for her sake come to Christmas and act normal and everyone can move on.” He asks.

I tell Ryan I’m done pretending. I spent 10 years pretending that missing out on every family vacation and key event didn’t bother me.

I pretended it was fine that they went to Hawaii without informing me. I pretended it didn’t bother that they prioritized a girlfriend’s birthday before my college graduation.

I will not spend another day pretending that any of it was appropriate. Ryan accuses me of being self-centered and obsessed with myself.

“Mom is struggling and I should be the larger person.” He says.

I hang up on him realizing that he will never regard me as anything other than a nuisance. He will never admit they did anything wrong.

He thinks I’m tough and ungrateful and nothing I say can change that. I text Deborah about the call.

She answers quickly claiming that their loss is her gain and that she is already preparing Christmas dinner with me in mind. A few days later Deborah picks me up for Christmas shopping at the large mall across town.

Lily jumps in the back seat talking about what she wants to acquire for her father. She shows us her list which she wrote in purple marker.

An Empty Encounter

The mall is jam-packed with holiday shoppers and each business has decorations and music blaring. We start in the toy aisle looking for something for Lily’s school pal.

Deborah and I were giggling about a crazy singing stuffed animal when Lily grabbed my hand and pointed across the aisle. My mother is standing at the checkout area holding a shopping bag.

She looks right at us and I notice her expression shift. For a brief moment I believe she may approach or wave.

Instead she turns totally around and heads quickly for the exit on the opposite side of the store. I watch her disappear into the crowd and get a strange empty feeling in my chest.

Deborah squeezes my shoulder without saying anything. Lily tugs on my sleeve wondering why Grandma Bonnie walked away like that.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out since I’m not sure how to convey this to a child. Deborah kneels next to Lily.

“Sometimes grown-ups have disagreements and needs space and that’s okay.” She says.

Lily wonders if grandma is furious at me. Deborah explains: “Grown-up sentiments are difficult but it doesn’t change how much we love Lily.”

Lily appears to accept this and returns to gazing at toys but I can tell she is perplexed. We go to another store and Deborah connects her arm with mine.

She laments my mother’s death and expresses her gratitude for having me. We try on absurd hats in the accessory store and Lily puts on a large floppy sun hat with fake flowers.

Deborah wears a soft winter hat with ear flaps and I grab a glittering beret. We take ridiculous pictures in the mirror and Lily snorts with laughter.

As we walk through the stores my sadness about seeing my mother subsides. We stop at the food court and order hot chocolate topped with whipped cream.

Deborah uses a tissue to remove chocolate from Lily’s nose. This is how family should feel.

Nobody is checking their phone to see if anyone else texted. Nobody is making plans without me.

We’re just having fun together. Deborah and I share a large pretzel as Lily tells us about her school play.

We spent two hours walking from store to store and my feet hurt but I don’t mind. I locate Deborah a lovely deep blue scarf to compliment her eyes.

I get David a fancy fishing lure set which he mentioned wanting months ago. For Lily I found this art package that includes every color marker and unique drawing paper.

I also get a wonderful candle set for Virginia and her husband who have been very supportive. Deborah tries to peek in my shopping bags but I keep them hidden and tell her not to spoil the surprise.

We pass a jewelry store and Lily puts her forehead against the window admiring the sparkling necklaces. Deborah and I exchange glances and walk inside.

I let Lily choose a simple silver bracelet with a heart charm. The clerk wraps it up and Lily carries the small bag as if it were treasure.

On the way home Lily falls asleep in the back seat cuddling her shopping bag. Deborah reaches over and takes my hand.

She says she’s proud of me for handling the matter with my mother so gracefully. I don’t feel particularly gracious but I appreciate her stating it.