My girlfriend has been speaking with her abusive ex behind my back.
Shadows of the Past
My girlfriend started speaking with her abusive ex behind my back. I broke up with her, and he ghosted her shortly after, so she started trying to win me back.
When I refused, she began stalking me. I met my girlfriend Emily three years ago, and before we started dating, she told me of her past relationship.
Her ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes laid hands on her. She broke up with him after three years.
The Connection to the Child
While they were together, however, Emily bonded with her ex’s child. She practically raised the child, so I supported her staying in contact with the kid, but her ex decided to cut that off.
Nothing was heard for four months, but then the harassment came. He would blow up her phone with derogatory jokes and videos and tell her how his kid hates her.
Fast forward to a few nights ago, we were in bed and she got a notification while in the bathroom.
She asked me “to check it,”
so I did, and I saw that it was him.
The Hidden Messages
I opened the message, and it turns out they’ve been chatting for months as if they’re good friends. Even worse, she tried to hide it from me later when he texted again, seeing the notification and quickly scrolling past it.
I confronted her, but she said “that he’s just talking to me about his kid.”
A few days went by, and I decided to sit down with her and address the issue directly. After reading those messages, my mind was spinning with questions.
A Stinging Revelation
I asked her why she was really texting her ex. What I needed was clarity, but instead, her answer stung.
She told me “she needed someone to vent to about life to talk to and apparently I wasn’t good enough for that role.”
She said it so nonchalantly as if it wasn’t a big deal, but it made me feel small, like I wasn’t the partner she could confide in. It hurt more than I expected.
Seeds of Doubt
She then showed me all the messages. I’m not sure if she thought showing me everything would make it better, but it only made things worse.
She didn’t try to delete anything, maybe thinking that full transparency would calm me down, but it didn’t. I could see right through her ex’s intentions.
He wasn’t just talking about his kid as she had claimed earlier; no, it was more than that. It was subtle, but the flirting was there, and it was obvious he was trying to get in her head.
The Knight in Shining Armor
He was trying to pull her away from me or, at the very least, sow seeds of doubt about our relationship. He played the knight in shining armor role, the one who’d never cheat on her, despite the fact that I knew he had cheated on her twice before.
It was absurd, but what hurt the most was that she didn’t push back. She let it happen; she let him say those things about me and our relationship without defending me.
What shocked me even more was that she had told him she thought I had cheated on her in the past. This was news to me; she had never mentioned this accusation to my face, but there it was written in black and white.
Fabricated Betrayals
Apparently, she had shared with him that she believed I had cheated with my former boss. I used to send memes to my boss and her wife, and I would sometimes help them with home projects on weekends to earn a little extra cash.
Nothing more, nothing less. I’d always kept my girlfriend in the loop, sending her pictures of the work I did, receipts for supplies, and even footage from the home security cameras they had to keep an eye on their three dogs.
I was transparent, and never once had she brought up any suspicion to me. Yet there she was, telling her ex something completely different in the messages.
Threats and Silence
He said “he would have beaten me to a pulp if he was still in town.”
He went on about how furious he was, even admitting to punching holes in his walls over this fabricated betrayal. It was all so dramatic and cheesy, but what bothered me the most was that she hadn’t done anything to clear the air.
She didn’t tell him that she and I had worked through her concerns, that I had never actually cheated, or that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. She let him continue thinking I was untrustworthy, letting him fuel his anger and continue with his threats.
The Breaking Point
Whether she took those threats seriously or not, the fact that she hadn’t stepped in to diffuse the situation felt like a betrayal. I wasn’t just upset; I was heartbroken.
Here I was bending over backward to show her that I was trustworthy, trying my best to make her feel secure in our relationship, and yet none of that seemed to matter. No matter how much I did for her, it felt like I wasn’t enough.
She didn’t trust me, not really, and that realization hit me hard. I knew I had to take control of the situation.
The Ultimatum
I pressed her, laying it all out.
I told her “she had two choices: either she cuts him off completely and we go to therapy to work through this mess, or she can continue to talk to him and I walk away from the relationship for good.”
At that moment, I wasn’t sure what I even wanted. Part of me knew I should have ended it right then and there.
I should have packed up my things and walked out the door, but a part of me was curious. I wanted to see what she would choose, how she would respond when faced with the ultimatum.
A Choice Made
The silence between us was heavy as she mulled it over. I could see the conflict in her eyes, and it only made things worse.
How could this even be a choice for her? How could cutting ties with someone who had hurt her so deeply and who was now actively trying to sabotage our relationship even be up for debate?
And yet there she was, hesitating. I wasn’t sure what to expect; maybe deep down I was hoping she’d realize how toxic the situation was and agree to cut him off for good.
The End of Us
Maybe I wanted her to choose me, to choose us. But watching her sit there, torn between her abusive ex and our relationship, I started to realize that maybe I wasn’t the problem.
Maybe it wasn’t about me not being enough; maybe it was about her not being ready to let go of something she should have walked away from a long time ago. In the end, her decision would dictate the future of our relationship.
But in that moment, I knew that no matter what, things would never be the same again. Even if she chose me, the damage was done, the trust was broken, and I wasn’t sure if it could ever be fully repaired.
Walking Away
I ended the conversation there and left it. But then she came into me a few hours later.
She told me “she thought long and hard about it and that she refuses to cut him off, saying her only chance to talk to his child again is by talking to him.”
I told her “that if a child that isn’t even hers and a man who abused her is all she really cares about, then good luck with that.”
Moving Out
I grabbed my stuff and left. Rude? Yeah, I let my emotions get a hold of me.
I called her parents and ended up telling them we’ve split. They’re great people; they told me they’re sorry that things turned out the way they did.
They’ve even invited me out for dinner Friday, just me and them, so I can get some of my tools I’ve loaned them and to talk more about this. I thought about declining their offer to dinner, but her mom is too sweet for her own good, and her dad and I always have a blast having a drink together, so I’m going Friday.
Update One: The Aftermath
I’ve doubled down on my decision, and knowing them, they probably won’t press me to try to make it work. After all this, I’m going to treat myself to a nice bottle of SE I’ve been saving in my fridge and just relax.
Emily has tried contacting me non-stop, from calling to messaging me, begging me to talk with her and work things out.
I replied only once, saying “that I gave her a chance to work this out, to compromise and go to therapy together, only for her to refuse and choose her ex and child over me.”
