My mother-in-law CUT OFF my daughter’s CURLY HAIR to make her “MATCH BETTER”

Tom stays calm and tells her that she created this situation by favoring two granddaughters over the third. Ruth screams “that she never did any such thing” and Tom hangs up on her.

He sits on the couch afterward looking exhausted. He says “he never thought his siblings would actually back us up.”

I tell him “they’re doing it for their kids as much as for Zoe because Ruth’s favoritism was teaching all three girls terrible lessons.”

Six weeks after the incident, Ruth asks through Tom’s aunt if she can see Zoe for a supervised visit with us present. Tom and I discuss it with Zoe’s therapist, who says it’s too soon and that Zoe needs more time to heal before facing her grandmother again.

The therapist explains that Zoe is just starting to feel secure and safe and seeing Ruth could undo that progress. She recommends waiting at least another month and then reassessing based on Zoe’s continued therapy work.

Tom calls his aunt back and relays the therapist’s recommendation. His aunt sighs and says “Ruth is going to be devastated but she understands.”

She asks if there’s anything Ruth can do to speed up the process. Tom says, “no zoe’s healing happens on Zoe’s timeline not Ruth’s.”

I post about Ruth’s request for contact and the therapist’s recommendation to wait. The comments overwhelmingly support protecting Zoe’s healing process over Ruth’s desire for access.

Many people share that they wish their parents had protected them from favoritist grandparents instead of forcing contact. One person writes about being made to hug a grandmother who openly preferred their brother and how violated that made them feel.

Another shares that their parents kept pushing reconciliation until they were old enough to refuse contact themselves. The validation from strangers helps when Tom’s extended family starts texting “asking if we’re being too harsh.”

I screenshot some of the comments and send them to the family group chat without additional comment. Two months after the haircut, we attend a family birthday party for Tom’s cousin with Zoe, but Ruth is not invited per our request.

Several family members comment on how much happier and more confident Zoe seems without Ruth’s presence creating anxiety. Tom’s uncle pulls me aside and says “Zoe is like a different kid playing with the other children and laughing instead of clinging to my leg.”

He admits he didn’t realize how much Ruth’s treatment was affecting her until he saw the difference. Zoe runs around the backyard with her cousins.

She asks me twice “if Grandma Ruth is coming.” When I tell her no, she visibly relaxes and goes back to playing.

Tom watches her and his eyes get wet. He says “our daughter shouldn’t feel relief about a grandmother not being at a party.”

Camila catches me by the punch bowl and leans in close, her voice dropping low. She tells me “Olivia has been asking why Grandma Ruth doesn’t take her shopping anymore.”

Camila had to explain that grandma made some mistakes and needs to treat all the cousins fairly. Olivia apparently said “that didn’t seem fair since she’s the oldest.”

The comment makes my stomach drop because it shows how deeply Ruth’s favoritism has affected Olivia too. Camila looks embarrassed sharing this but says “she thought I should know.”

I thank her for being honest and tell her it’s not her fault that Ruth taught Olivia to expect preferential treatment. The conversation stays with me for the rest of the party.

I watch Olivia playing with Zoe and Chloe, and I can see how she naturally takes charge and how she expects the other girls to follow her lead. Ruth didn’t just hurt Zoe by excluding her; she also damaged Olivia by teaching her that being blonde and older made her more deserving of love and attention.

She taught Chloe that she was second best no matter what she did. The whole dynamic was poisoning all three girls in different ways.

This insight makes me even more determined to maintain our boundaries. Fixing this isn’t just about protecting Zoe anymore; it’s about breaking a cycle that was teaching all three cousins terrible lessons about worth and favoritism.

Tom’s brother Hank pulls Tom aside near the end of the party and I watch them talking seriously by the back fence. When Tom comes back, he tells me “Hank admitted he feels guilty for not noticing sooner how extreme their mother’s favoritism was.”

Hank said he’s been thinking about all the times Zoe was excluded while Chloe got special treatment, all the shopping trips and movie dates and expensive gifts. Tom says Hank kept apologizing and saying he should have spoken up years ago.

His awareness comes late, but it feels genuine. Hank walks over to me before they leave and tells me directly that he’s sorry for not protecting Zoe when he saw what was happening.

He says “he convinced himself it wasn’t as bad as it looked because that was easier than confronting his mother.”

I appreciate his honesty even though it doesn’t change the past. At least now both Tom’s siblings are finally seeing the damage Ruth caused and taking responsibility for their part in enabling it.

Three months after the incident, we have another therapy session with Zoe’s therapist. She reports significant improvement in Zoe’s anxiety and self-image.

Zoe is sleeping better, playing more confidently with other kids, and asking fewer questions about why Grandma Ruth doesn’t love her. The therapist shows us drawings Zoe made during their sessions.

The recent ones show her with big curly hair and a smile, standing next to other kids instead of off to the side alone. The progress makes me want to cry with relief, but the therapist also warns us that Zoe will likely need ongoing support as she gets older and processes the rejection more fully.

She explains that right now Zoe is young enough that therapy can help reshape her understanding before the memories solidify into lasting trauma. As Zoe gets older and develops more complex thinking, she’ll need to work through what happened at different developmental stages.

The therapist recommends maintaining the no contact boundary with Ruth for at least another three months to give Zoe more time to heal without the stress of seeing her grandmother. A week later, another letter arrives from Ruth.

I almost throw it away without opening it, but Tom says we should at least see what she has to say this time. This letter is different from the previous ones.

Ruth actually acknowledges that she treated Zoe differently than Olivia and Chloe. She admits that she had prejudices about Zoe’s appearance that she didn’t recognize as wrong.

She writes that seeing Olivia and Chloe’s blonde hair made her feel connected to them in a way she didn’t feel with Zoe, and she never questioned why that was or whether it was fair. The letter is better than her previous attempts, but it still doesn’t fully take responsibility for the emotional damage.

She focuses a lot on her own confusion and hurt feelings about being cut off from the family. She asks if there’s anything she can do to make things right but doesn’t actually suggest any concrete actions or changes.

Tom reads it twice. He says “it shows some progress but he’s not convinced his mother truly understands what she did.”

We take the letter to Zoe’s therapist at our next appointment. She reads it carefully and says it shows some progress in Ruth’s awareness.